Day 194 - Bringing Forth

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"
Day 187 - Energy Bodies 
Day 188 - Be Nice prt 2 
Day 189 - Be Nice prt 3 
Day 190 - Energy is God 
Day 191 - The Truth Of Me 
Day 192 - Parenting - Creating Reality 
Day 193 - In The Palm of One's Hand 

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 


Realisation/commitments/corrections related to Day 191 



When and as I see myself feel uneasy, unsafe, insecure without the affection of someone else when being subject of others anger - I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen and realised that this reaction is an automation which self has adopted and integrated from that very first initial experience when being confronted with being subject of conflict in others and therefore, I commit myself to eradicate and delete the automated reaction of self fearing being subject of others rage towards me as If this energy is to fear and something so overwhelming I can't possible stand within because I have now seen and realised how I have been creating it, understanding that this overwhelming experience of self and others as energy is not be feared yet to be understood, embraced as part of self in order to get to know my fears as energy experiences.

When and as I see myself go into fear connected to the emotional outburst of others being angered with me - I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen, realised and understood that I'm reacting as the automated response as the replay of that which I decided when for the first time being subject of my father's anger and thus can decide to realign/change the automation to that, which best for all and therefore, - I commit myself to breathe through the energy bodies when experiencing fear/conflict as energy within me when being subject of others anger until its done in the realisation that it took many breaths to perfect the pattern so it will take many breaths to realign it, practise makes perfect.

When and as I see myself go into being 'overwhelmed'/ judgement about what we create as parents in this world - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I'm accessing self in the reflection of our creation as all parents which is what I still have to walk as self and therefore, - I commit myself to get to know the parenting system and how this came about as self in very detail in order to change it for all as self into its solution.

When and as I see myself go into projecting onto others as in - fuck why do we place children in this position to begin with - connected to a judgement - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I as all have placed ourselves as our children within this perfect self created prison and therefore, - I commit myself to take self responsibility for the creation thereof through no longer accept and allow myself to let judgement about parenting exist within and as me because I now see and realise that the projected judgement is still a point still to be walked in all its dimensions as self and therefore I furthermore commit self to get clarity about my starting-point of the projected judgement in the realisation that this shows a part of self yet to discover and so I continue walking my commitment to get to know self in all refractions of and as parenting.

When and as I see myself reacting to others judgement about parenting I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that this is still a collective path to walk and as long the external judgement exist we collectively still haven't taken self responsibility for what we bring forth as the parenting system and so, - I commit myself to first eradicate and investigate all judgements existing within and as self about the current parent/child relationship to enable self to re-educate and bring awareness about what we bring about and how to realign this to its solution for the child as all.

Day 193 - In The Palm Of One's Hand

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"
Day 187 -  Energy Bodies 
Day 188 - Be Nice prt 2 
Day 189 - Be Nice prt 3 
Day 190 - Energy is God 
Day 191 - The Truth Of Me 
Day 192 - Parenting - Creating Reality 

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 



Realisation/commitments/corrections related to Day 191

I realise, see and understand that during the formative years when being a child (first seven years) one's platform of reference of 'who one is', is intrinsically connected to one's parents. This is what we have designed, manifested into being for the children to grow/develop/expand themselves on as the platform of self. Unfortunately this platform as who we are is not understood in any way hence the destructive outflow of our creation reflected in our world. To bring/establish thus a stable foundation for my children I understand that they must be able to stand alone as themselves without any need/desire for a relationship connection, which is of mind and not of flesh and therefore, - I commit myself to investigate first of all my current self-creation how I came about as self to eventually expand to walk with my children in and as absolute self - awareness and in through this, I also realise that I'm re-creating parenting and motherhood as I walk the correction of the understanding thereof, which I already have seen/experienced will lead to 'falling/failing' while walking it and in this, I furthermore realise that as long as I will myself to walk with my children as equals living my 'failures' into practical solutions to show them what I am doing and so thus correct self as walk into self - empowerment realising that failures are not be feared or to be judged and in fact do only exist as a construct of mind and so, - I walk with my children a path not yet walked by many yet knowing that it can be done because I am walking it and through this, preparing the way before self and others as self preventing unnecessary consequences.

I understand, see and realise that there can and must not exist any judgement towards the parent child relationship as we have currently manifested it because All in fact are responsible for the current manifested relationship which is the very truth of us, a journey yet to be walked and faced to its very core in every refraction to enable self to correct for self as all as prevention is the best cure.


I furthermore realise, see and understand that children during their formative years will do anything to restore the relationship connection with their parents when being confronted the very first time with separation/conflict because the basic foundation of self as a child is in fact aligned with the parent and through this one can see the real responsibility the parent is standing as, holding a baby is holding life in the palm of your hands. Unfortunately at this stage parents do not know what they bring about because they have no clue who they are and thus create something you probably as a parent do not want for your child, because in essence, I know being a parent myself, every parent wants what's best for their child without understanding what's best for the child entails yet hence the necessity of reeducating ourselves from the get go- to get to know ourselves before we embark on parenting by giving them the tools which we have walked ourselves as the re-education process by knowing in fact who the child is and how the child as all came about to prevent any further destruction as reflected in this world.

Day 192 - Parenting, Creating Reality

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"
Day 187 -  Energy Bodies 
Day 188 - Be Nice prt 2 
Day 189 - Be Nice prt 3 
Day 190 - Energy is God 
Day 191 - The Truth Of Me 

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 

Writing out the self corrective statements to prepare the way before myself when being confronted/faced with the same patterns again. The following corrections are related to Day 191

Anger and apology 

When and as I see myself fuelling my anger even more when someone asks for an apology - I stop and I breathe - because I now have shown to myself and realise that this is an automatic response as the replay of the past stored as a memory of my father rejecting my apology which fuelled his anger even more and therefore, I commit myself to delete and eradicate this memory within and as myself, to no longer allow abdicating self-responsibility and self-compromise as my accepted expression yet to stand as the directive authority of self when confronted with others asking for an apology and so, -  I commit myself to investigate and realign the initial anger to get clarity about my starting- point and get myself as it on the table. 

Restoring harmony
When and as I see myself automatically want/desire to restore the harmony with others when being in conflict with them - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I have now understood and seen that this automated pattern within and as myself isn't a good thing to keep because it's not serving me or all in the relationship, restoring the harmony/balance is in fact harming me and others when the starting point isn't best for all in the realisation that I'm replaying a memory as the initial very first memory of being subject of my father's anger and therefore and experienced conflict, separation with others and therefore I commit myself to delete this memory within myself so I may when being subject of others anger take the other being and myself into consideration without activating replaying the past and walk out of the memory directing self here as breath in whatever the moment requires to direct self and others within the given moment of being faced with anger and the energy as the emotional bodies attached to it.

I commit myself to breathe through the emotional bodies when being confronted/faced with anger because I now see and realise that all emotional bodies as energy can be removed through simple walking through it in/as breath.

Furthermore I understand that anger and possession of others are just that anger and possession of others so in this, I realise that connecting others rage with me being responsible for it because I happen to be the subject of it is what we install into our children when they are not guided, when we leave them alone with 'it' while the children are under our guidance as a parent and through this realisation I commit myself to first walk out of the pattern of the past to be able to guide those within my direct environment to eventually bring about for all that may hear the common sense of giving what one likes to receive as the only valid way of being a parent and what this is fact practically entails.


When and as I see self cringe within and as my physical body trying to hide/not wanting to feel the physical pain when being subject of someone's anger - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I must breathe through the energetics attached to it in order to undo self from the shackles of energy and so, - I commit myself to breathe through the energy experience to no longer allow myself to separate from energy through fear yet to embrace it as myself and take it in as I would take in my children because the children as the energy alike stem from me so it must be part of me in the realisation that no single part of my origin must be the authority of me in separation of the whole and so I commit myself to walk back into the wholeness of me as flesh as it should have been from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself feel abandoned because of others rage -I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen and realised that I have abandoned self the very first time when compromising myself in order to restore a relationship connection with my parent as the only reference when being in my formative years of me having a sense of existing because I had at that stage no ground to stand on nor understanding what I was actually doing which is what I have left behind as my own creation to perpetuate the wheel of ignorance to continue into infinity not knowing what I am doing, who I am because I actually never allowed myself to STOP and look within self as the source of the experience of separation and through this,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing when not existing within a relationship connection and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to ask myself 'who I will be' without the relationship connection beyond the fear of not existing and so I commit myself to investigate who I will be and who I can be without relationship connection to transcend the fear of not existing without a relationship connection of mind. 

When and as I see myself being confronted/faced with either standing alone or desiring/wanting to restore a relationship with the only options to compromise myself - I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen and understand the implications and consequences thereof and thus when I even see one refraction wavering inside as a desire/want/need the entire point must be investigated because I have missed a dimension of understanding myself as it and therefore, - I commit myself to when not being clear of the starting point to desire restoring a relationship through the only means of self compromise- I stop and I breathe - and through this, I commit myself to write out the point and get to a clear understanding of the starting point to script the practical solution thereof.
to be continued

Day 191 - Facing The Truth of Self

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"
Day 187 -  Energy Bodies 
Day 188 - Be Nice prt 2 
Day 189 - Be Nice prt 3 
Day 190 - Energy is God 

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 

Conflict as experience is quite a point to walk so I walk here a part of my past wherein I for the first time experienced being subject of others anger. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have integrated my father’s expression being in absolute anger of my apology about my words and behaviour saying that it was too late to apologise and in that very moment integrated this rejection as a token, installation of being absolute abandoned by him, separated from him wherein the only thing I desired was to restore the harmony between us and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in absolute terror in absolute abandonment, in shock of the physical pain his anger caused within and as me, feeling the cold air on my skin in utter shock as if my world ended, feeling scared and the only thing that was left of me was me begging for him to please, please let me 'in' again being totally submissive abdicating all of me in that very moment and simultaneously developed a suppressed rage about this very act within and as myself because I perceived it as the only way to restore the relationship I so desperately longed for when being a child so my father would be OK with me and all would go back to 'normal' again.

So in this,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have known from the very ‘start’ when being a child understanding, realising and seeing in that very moment of being subject of my father's anger that in order to have a relationship connection with my father I must submit to the relationship rules and so I walked into self compromise in order to build and create a relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to compromise myself in that very first moment wherein I realise that in order to have a relationship connection with another being as in the same way I have compromised myself when being in a relationship with being in a relation with a partner - I must follow the religion of that other person in order to establish a relationship with them which has been the beginning of self compromise which has been a quantified process of physical pain as a system manifestation infusing with and as my physical flesh and in this, I realise see and understand that I always have seen it yet couldn't change it couldn't understand what I was seeing because I was simple lacking vocabulary, understanding and guidance and in this, I realise and see that I can realign the misalignment walking here with and as my realisations of self and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the physical pain of the memory and the memory of that very moment when I did the exacts same thing to myself as when I was compromising myself for the accomplishment of a relationship when he rejected my apology being possessed with his anger and being a child I only wanted to restore the relationship with him and so I walked into and as the establishment of being in a relationship as the stepping stone experiences which build the foundation of the accepted and allowed self within relationship that reflect the 'nature' of one's relationship with one of the parents and so, - in essence when being a girl I was already in huge rage about it b/c yes I could see that this was happening on a quantum level yet I couldn't step out of it or stop it because of the automation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in that very first instant wherein I didn’t see any other option or way to feel at home, safe and secure within and as myself outside the affection of my parents because without the affection of my parents I don’t exist, I seem to be lost and unguided and furthermore it really physically hurts like hell to experience what I am experiencing and I already from an early age have connected physical pain within me with experiencing something - I can't handle/ I can't face - because no one actually has been explaining to me that yes physical pain sucks YET one can still breathe with and as it and to not fear it yet to get to know it as oneself and in through this, I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to investigate how I exist within it and have buried it within and as myself to ignore the past as if it actually never had existed/happened/experienced in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the first response towards being subject of my parents anger to automatically response to restore the relationship connection because what I as live have left behind to walk into as in how I have prepared the way before me is placing children/myself in an utter fucked up position wherein I have no change to stand my ground to survive when being a little child other than to 'restore' my relationship with my parents at the expanse of life in order to survive and in this, I forgive myself to have placed myself into and as such a position and all children alike, which is I now see, realise and understand my responsibility because its an outflow of my creation and through this, I forgive myself that within and as my nature I thus can't exist without a relationship and thus am lost when realising that I just have been abandoned kicked out of that relationship connection and thus will do everything in my power, which is at that stage selling out, compromising myself to restore my father's trust, which is in essence the embodiment of what I have become the truth of me being in fear of not existing within a relationship connection and in this, I realise and see what I am walking into being as the realignment of self so, - in essence standing in front of myself again yet at another point in space and time finally understanding that I don't have to compromise myself to be in a relationship connection yet can stand as self with those who have realigned themselves with that what's best for all in the relationship and in this, I see and realise that I thus have the opportunity to re-enter myself as my creation as this point in the realisation that I thus now can decide to change because I have seen through a process of self cleansing that self compromise has been done upon myself and others as self in utter ignorance and fear and abuse because children do not stand a change and in this, I realise how sick and evil we really are in the realisation that we walk into a world which we have left behind who creates a placement for those that can not speak up for themselves until we have with our stupidity made sure that they are submitted to our system we have created and left behind to ensure its continuation. This is what has become of every single one of us - the embodiment of evil, being here to finally face the truth of self.

Day 190 - Energy Is God

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"
Day 187 -  Energy Bodies 
Day 188 - Be Nice prt 2 
Day 189 - Be Nice prt 3 

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 

Here I continue with writing out realisations and self corrective statements of Day 187


When and as I see myself go into self seclusion, shutting myself off from myself and others when being subject of others rage - I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen, realised and understood its origin and so, - I commit myself to breathe through the energetics coming up when being subject of others anger.

When and as I see myself go into total self-isolation - I stop and I breathe - I see and realise that I am not a child anymore and are now in a position to recreate myself as the allowed pattern to deliberately will myself to delete, destroy and root it out and so, - I commit myself to eradicate and realign this pattern of self-destruction to de-constructing myself aligned to that, which is best for all in all ways.


When and as I see energy sensations go through my flesh - I stop and I breathe - because I see and realise that all I have ever done is separating myself from these sensations either being in fear or in awe or what not, simply because I have actually never allowed myself to investigate energy experiences within myself and how I as it came about, furthermore I realise that what emergence within must be part of me because it stems from me and in this, I realise that I thus simply haven't allowed myself to get to know this part of me and through this, I commit myself to get to know myself as energy to no longer fear, judge or have any other projection, ideas, assumptions about it yet putting in the time and effort to investigate it as self in the realisation that it's part of me.

When and as I see energy coming up/emerge within me - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I haven't allowed myself yet to investigate its origin and therefore, I commit myself to get to know all that resides within and as me in the realisation that I have no clue yet 'who I am' and within this, have no clue yet of that what actually resides, lives and expresses as life within self or others as self and furthermore, I commit myself to investigate the origin of believing that energy is god and that an energy wave is an expression of god residing within me, which I have feared to such an extent ending up in anxiety attacks of not knowing what to do how to hold myself being petrified with fear of that what one does not know or isn't acquainted with instead of immediately seeing/ looking into the origin/creation of such an experience to get to know oneself as it to look beyond the experience as ones accepted limited boundaries of self and start investigating all and only keep that what is good for all.

Day 189 - Be Nice prt3

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"
Day 187 -  Energy Bodies 

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 

Here I continue with writing out realisations and self corrective statements of Day 187


When and as I see myself go into morality about anger outburst/conflict within this world I stop and I breathe because I realise that holding on to morality towards conflict is this world only shows me that I'm automated to respond to conflict in this world within and as morality and so,- I commit myself to when and as I see myself judge conflict in the world system - To stop and to breathe - in the realisation that I haven't yet walked and realigned this point within me and therefore I commit myself to realign the automated judgements towards conflict as part of the relationship connection I created and accumulated over time with conflict.

When and as I see myself 'stepping back' within myself as if I want to shield myself for anger outburst of others - I stop and breathe - I breathe through the experience of fear within connected to anger outburst of others towards me to really get to know self as the energy I try to escape because I see and realise that I actually never allowed myself to stand one and equal with and as it because I separated myself from anger outburst of others towards me being in absolute fear and shock replaying the initial memory imprint when my father expressed anger towards me and automated this as my individual reaction towards every anger outburst towards me ever since and so, - I commit myself to get to know myself and embrace this experience of energy 'attacking' to realign the fear into and as getting to know self as self love and self care so that every refraction of what comes up, emerge within and as me is known and investigated as self and whether the point which one is getting to know as self is aligned to what's best for all in all ways.

I furthermore commit myself to penetrate through and delete, eradicate the emotional bodies attached to fear of anger outburst of others towards me and through this, I commit myself to delete the very first memory of fear of energy penetrating my skin, flesh and the infusion/integration into and as the flesh in the realisation that children must be guided to not fear a refraction of what emergence within and as them yet to guide them to teach and show them that whatever emergence within self is part of self and should not be feared yet to be known and so, - I walk together with my children showing them what has been shown to me to stand stable here knowing oneself as every refraction of self as it should have been from the very start.

When and as I see myself go into making myself small and invisible when being the subject of others anger - I stop and I breathe - because I now see and realise that I only make myself small/ invisible in an attempt to hide for the energy experience attached to being subject of others anger and so, - I commit myself to get to know the energy that creates extreme rifts within self and through this, I commit myself to when and as I see the energy emerge within and as myself - I stop and I breathe - 4 count in,4 count hold, 4 count out, 4 count hold until I'm standing stable here as breath until practise becomes automated application in the realisation that this is how I have been creating it so I will recreate myself within and as the same way aligned to what's best for all.

When and as I see myself go into a rift of internalised anger as in wanting to destroy myself connected to being subject of others anger - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I've automated myself to respond as it through time and through this, I commit myself to investigate how this expression as self came about to realign its starting point.

OK, up to here more tomorrow.

Day 188 - Be Nice prt 2

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"

Here I continue with realisations and self corrective statements of Day 186 



When and as I see myself going into deliberately sabotaging myself within multiple dimensions of emotional bodies e.g, self- blame, self- judgement, self- pity/giving up - I stop and I breathe - because I realise that I want to continue wallowing in the experience instead of starting walking the investigate the creation of the experience to enable self to walk the solution thereof.  

When and as I see myself automatically disapprove my children's anger and thus leave them 'alone' with their internal experience - I stop and I breathe - because I see and realise that as long as exist within and as automation as this point I'm not able to direct or guide others as it and so, - I commit myself to investigate the starting point of the automated pattern to no longer allow myself to demand 'niceness' of others as the enslavement to and as positive feelings without investigation or knowing the manifestation thereof. 

When and as I see myself go into suppressing my expression from the starting point of preventing conflict in others because I fear the experience within when I'm subject of others anger - I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen and realised that I'm only creating conflict/friction within myself through attempting to avoid conflict through playing the -prevent conflict character-constantly accessing the other and my words/reactions through a filter of reality of an idea of what will prevent conflict within the other not yet realising and understanding that I am only creating a point wherein I can't keep it up anymore and sooner or later will burst out in a 'sudden' unexpected anger tantrum towards others not yet seeing that it's not so sudden or unexpected as it seems because I've meticulously designed the outburst as anger towards others myself - and so, - I commit myself to walk backwards to the creation and origin thereof in order to start realigning the solution of the application to walk into.


When and as I see myself go into an internal battle of self sabotage as an internalised self- destructive anger wherein I isolate and seclude myself - I stop and I breathe -in the understanding and realisation that I must pull myself out of the internal self destructive state of total isolation through pulling the information outside of me through voicing and writing self forgiveness to prepare the way for scripting the solution to walk into.
to be continued

Day 187 - Energy Bodies

This blog is part of investigating My Relationship with conflict and a continuation to:
Day 186 - "Be Nice"

and related to 
Day 119 - Expression 
Day 120 - Expression Part 2 
Day 121 - Expression Part 3
Day 122 - Sharing 

Self forgiveness continued from day 186 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an idea about anger outburst within and as me and value it through a filter of my perception of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger outburst of people are evil and inherent bad and makes you an unworthy person because that's what I observed within the adults around me and their disapproval/constant fight with/towards anger/conflict within others and self wherein they always tried to control themselves while I observed that from the inside the adults around me were like 'exploding' and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really fear others anger outburst because the expressed anger was penetrating my flesh as pins being stuck into me wherein I stood paralysed within and as fear and so replay this experience being petrified with fear because I exist within and as the replay of the very first time when my parents expressed their anger towards me and so from that moment on whenever someone is angered with me creating more layers of emotional bodies towards anger outbursts without being able to look at the origin of my experience to so from the creation thereof realign it to enable self to emerge as self without the emotional bodies attached to anger /conflict as the relationship connection I have created throughout time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself really small and invisible so that others may not notice me when I'm the subject of others anger and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to destroy myself when others are angered with me so I don't have to deal with this experience of myself which I have now seen and understood is not serving me and furthermore I realise, see and understand that wanting to destroy myself which I don't understand or haven't investigated to its core is irrational and so, I commit myself to FIRST investigate what I want to destroy and how this came about and whether this is in fact best for self as all before I actually do so - lol

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to internalise others anger wherein I start secluding myself within and as myself allowing and accepting myself to be in total isolation of self and others wherein I only want to multiply the point of separation wherein I thus quantify this process of deliberate self-destruction within and as every string that's attached to this anger for the sole purpose of destroying myself because that’s how I have experienced the energy integration within and as the physical when being a child - and with no other guidelines other then the mind and how others live within my direct environment - within the image and likeness of this invasion of energy within and as my flesh without any clue of the working thereof or its consequences and in this, I thus now see, realise and understand that this invasion of and as energy is not to be feared nor to be judged yet to be understood and realigned to understanding it and working/walking with energy removing and eradicating the fear I have installed towards and as this process that took place within and as me to no longer allow to exist within and as petrifying fear towards energy yet to study and embrace it to walk out of the directive authority I had given this energy, which I have been mistaken for life, god even because I actually never have allowed myself to question the very nature of it within and self and others, so we may understand what we create and how we have been creating it, so we finally can teach our children how to walk as the energy that emerges within guiding it as the directive authority of self instead of giving it the directive authority of self as the automated fear response to it.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to fear the expression and emergence of energy within and as me which I’m only able to see and observe when I associate this with a negative experience because of the physical pain that accompanies this experience of energy permeating my being yet I see and realise that the mechanics operate exactly the same when I associate the expression and emergences of energy with a positive experience of self which gives me a warm, fussy feeling.


So, in this I realise as long as I remain and exist in fear and thus conflict towards energy I will not be working towards enabling self to ‘master’ myself as it and in this, I commit myself to train and teach self to stand one and equal to and as energy to no longer allow myself to fear energy as I always have separated myself from energy and exist within and as fear towards it and thus always existed within fear towards others, this world and reality as the glue of the relationship connection I created through it.
to be continued

Day 186 - "Be Nice"

My Relationship with conflict.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anger outburst of others / myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self blame, self judgement after an anger outburst towards someone/things or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationship entities as emotional bodies after an anger outburst of myself (or others) wherein I deliberately sabotage myself within multiple dimensions of emotional bodies e.g, self- blame, self- judgement, self- pity/giving up and in this, I don’t have to look into how I as this experience came about yet only allow and accept myself to wallow in the experience and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotional bodies ‘to protect’ myself for the emotional experience of the outflow of a conflict with self or others is reflected in the current money system, which has become the embodiment of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to -when being a child with anger tantrums- being met only with anger/disapproval of my parents as reaction towards it and so thus being left alone with an expression I didn't understand -because we have no clue how to guide children and walk with them in common sense other than through a filter of morality of good versus bad without investigation thereof and what its manifest into being and in this, I forgive myself that through time and repetition I went into a state of absolute self hate and self blame as a reaction to creating conflict in others, which eventually developed as the stepping stone of the creation of the relationship towards conflict and through this,  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to control the feelings and emotions within to prevent conflict in others by walking on my toes so that my parents will like me especially my father, I want him to like me and I want to do it all perfect and good and being well-mannered and sweet because I perceive that he demands of me to "be nice" and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to a state of "I just can't hold it any more" I just can't mold myself within and as this expression of myself wherein I so very much try to be and live an idea of a person, an idea of being nice yet I can't keep it up, it creates too much conflict within and as me and while I'm accumulating this suppressed energy within myself I start to become physically tight and stiff and in a way uncontrollable, which is another dimension of keeping it up wherein I fear losing control of slipping into being off guard while being busy to mold self into an ideal of being nice in the eyes of my father b/c I have given great value to how he perceives and values me and I don’t want to lose his positive behaviour towards me as I value his approval of me above all other beings and so I already walk the initial steps of the relationship with males which I will replay over and over in my mind not even understanding the starting point of the sudden 'unexpected' tantrums I throw at my partner which has been part of my expression from a very early age and through this, I see, realise and understand that what has been walked into being can be realigned by walking backwards through self introspective writing, self forgiveness preparing the way before me to walk into and in this, I commit myself to get to the core of this allowances and the creation thereof as it has been source of great misunderstanding and CONflict within and as myself and others wherein from a young age I perceived this behaviour as great evil and in this, I forgive myself that I've been praying to god to forgive me for my sins of this great evil without any guidance or understanding of it and through this, I see, realise and understand the emergency of re-educating ourselves and our children to first of all get to a clear understanding of the words evil/good and what it brings about and whether this is best for the child in fact.
to be continued

Day 184/185 - The Happy Consumer

Read for context:


Day 180 - Creating The Other Side
Day 181/182 - Creating The Other Side prt.2
Day 183 - Being Intelligent Doesn't End Poverty 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lean on others and trust their 'ability' to 'solve' problems around money for me and through this, I forgive myself to drag others along in my actions without any consideration for others equally expressing to others what I'm not yet allowing to give to myself and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to look and investigate into specificity at the very nature of myself as money to enable self to walk the solution of the misalignment and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull even more wool over my head to ignore the reality of me wherein I still desire for not being responsible for money as the monetary system as one's self creation because if I had done so I would have seen that I'm only ignoring the reality of me avoiding facing the 'cold' bare facts of self because it would imply that I need to change for real and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about holding on to the relationship with money than 'who I am' within it because if I would have taken the effort and time to get to know myself as money as the current monetary system I thus would have seen the real nature of holding on to the relationship with money because of the good feelings it provides within and as me and when not being able to consume I 'feel' out of place as if something has been taken from me and in this, I forgive myself that I use or should I say misused my placement /position to bury my head in the sand abdicating self responsibility only to feel good and so, - I commit myself investigate and thus prepare the way in front of myself to eradicate and delete the current alignment of self with consumerism and align this relationship connection with money to that what's best for all as self as life.

When and as I see myself leaning on others within and as the starting point of hope that others will solve the money problems for me - I stop and I breathe - because I see and realise that I'm abdicating self-responsibility as the automated accepted and allowed habitual pattern and so,-  I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into 'leaning back', hoping that it will all solve itself to immediately investigate its starting point to push and will myself into and as physical action and so, - I commit myself to eradicate and delete the current alignment of self with consumerism and align myself to that what's best for all life as self.

When and as I see myself feel good because I can spend money - I stop and I breathe - in the realisation that I haven't yet understood self as the positive feeling connected with money and thus through this, I commit myself to investigate the origin and starting point of automatically aligning myself to consumerism within the image and likeness of energy depleting and deteriorating the flesh as leeches feeding of substance to survive/exist within our never ending quest to fulfil the trill of that split second of feeling good to satisfy only for a moment the insatiable hunger for more and through this, I commit myself to get to know how I ended up to automatically align myself to consumerism in order to walk the solution of this misalignment

I furthermore realise that I rather bury my head in the sand then giving up a positive feeling connected with money which has been quite an eyeopener in terms of understanding the 'pieces' I'm walking of myself bringing it all back to self and how I have been creating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically align myself with consumerism with no consideration of others, which is per definition at the expense of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect buying and spending money with a positive feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define spending money within an energetic experience of freedom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the energetic experience of the word happiness within spending money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word happy with the amount of money I can spend.

When and as I see myself projecting what I can buy and how cool it will be connected with an energetic experience of freedom, feeling good, being happy - I stop and I breathe - because I realise that I activate energy -through projections of buying stuff- as a positive feeling created and accumulated over time and in this, I see, realise and understand that I first need to get to know myself and the creation of this acceptance and allowance as money through walking backward to its origin to enable self to correct this point and so, I commit myself to eradicate and delete the positive hallelujah feeling connected to money within and as me because I have now seen, realised and understood that it doesn't hold any other purpose than covering up its creation of Poverty to exist in this world being the accepted and allowed legal murder created through the relationship connection with money of the haves and I'm one of them and so are you.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the relationship connection towards money and the positive hypnotic state this gives me as in all is fine all is OK, just lay down your head to sleep, dream on and through this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that there is nothing to feel OK about and that there is really nothing OK in this world/reality and that the positive I feel good attitude is of such a grotesque and ultimate deceptive nature that through this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realise and understand that one can only buy into this fairy tale as self-compromise and thus compromise others and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I do NOT only deceive myself yet all others as self in this quest of chasing a positive feeling while having money in my pocket. 

I commit myself to eradicate and delete all positive feelings within and as myself and when and as I see myself feeling positive - I stop and I breathe - because I have now seen and realised that existing in and as positive feelings always is on the expense of others and therefore I commit myself to investigate its starting point of whether this positive feeling is actually positive for all beings to enable self to script and walk the correction into being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the positive feeling of myself connected with the amount of money in my pocket and in this, I forgive myself that I believe that this feeling is 'who I am' not yet realising that this feeling connected with/to money is what I have become through acceptances and allowances and thus within my ability to walk the correction thereof, through walking backwards getting to know myself in order to realign the misalignment's through self introspective writing and self forgiveness into application.

I have now seen and realised that I'm not a positive feeling yet accepted and allowed myself believing that to be me and thus through this realisation: When I see myself go into fear losing the positive feeling connected with money - I stop and I breathe - and so, I commit myself to continue walking out of the positive/negative energy experience as the relationship I have created with money within and all dimensions of self through a process of writing, self forgiveness scripting the solution to walk into for all as self. 

Day 183 - Being Intelligent Doesn't End Poverty

For context please read:
Day 180 - Creating The Other Side
Day 181/182 - Creating The Other Side prt.2

intelligence the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills

When pondering about the other side of the coin I could not place or grasp for a long time how I could end up on the other side as a substantial understanding, it merely stayed with me as a dimension of knowledge and information about that other side, which actually only resonated fear within me as in -holy shit I must definitely avoid ending up on that other side of the haves coin.

It makes sense that when holding on to a point because of fear losing it - one thus creates the other side of the coin and while I am co-creator and part of this reality, there is thus a fair possibility that one ends up on that other side as the manifested consequences when entering one's creation again.

This took me quite a while to grasp and furthermore I can now see and understand that holding on to my side is in fact harmful for self and others as self and thus stupidity in actions and got nothing to do with intelligence in any way, but only with believing knowledge and information about a point, which is thus part of the religion of self - to just assume that the provided information is all that there is to it yet when one would putting in the effort, time and discipline to investigate whether this information as the judgments, projections and fears and so on is in fact best for self one would see for oneself the ugly truth of it. So, - holding on to such points of knowledge and information without any investigation is thus NOT and act of intelligence yet stupidity in action because who other than a fool applies a belief about something without testing/investigating whether this is best for self for real? Such applications only causing/creating unnecessary harm to self and others as self as I have now seen and realised.
To be continued

Test your intelligence!
Educate yourself 
ACTivate yourself 
enLITE yourself