Day 108 - "The Leading Role"

I already for some time now wanted to write out the construct of jealousy as me within relationships, which has been quite suppressed within and as me. I did not yet sit with myself to have a closer look/investigate for real the jealousy character as me within relationships. So, therefore, here it goes..

The emotional experience of Jealousy in a relationship is actually fear of losing that other person I look at fear of being replaced with someone else and the thing is there will always be someone else, even when you think that you will stay alone and that no other will fill the gap that has been left behind after a break up  lol there will always be someone else and who wants to be replaced by someone else? I/we want to be irreplaceable existing in ideas of our unique selves - lol 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the emotional experience of jealousy come up and exist within and as me when being in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotional experience of jealousy within and as me and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge jealousy in others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being replaced with someone else when being in a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can lose myself when I would lose the other person in the relationship to someone else. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea that I can lose my partner to others and thus can lose myself when I lose some one else and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be always on guard to protect my property, the other within and as the relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat "you are mine" come up and exist within and as me and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim ownership on the expense of others to feel good about myself to secure my property with all means possible because I fear losing it. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to investigate 'who I am' as jealousy because that would actually reveal that I hold on to this emotional experience because I actually don't yet what to let it go because I still believe that what I feel is 'who I am' - lol 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realise and understand that who I am as Life is not an emotional experience of jealousy and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to investigate what I actually fear losing when I would be replaced with someone else in the relationship. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I fear losing the relationship connection because I know that this is replaceable as all relationship connections are and in this, I forgive myself that I fear losing the position within the relationship because I know that this position is only maintained and secured when I place myself in and as the partner position in the relationship connected to playing all the characters attached to it and ones I step out of it I will no longer be in that position and thus eventually be replaced. 

I forgive myself that I haven' allowed myself to direct and express self in the relationship stepping out of character of acting the role of "the partner" who must maintain its position to be able to stay in character to keep the leading  role to play and in this:

I forgive myself that I hold a belief within and as me that I am the best actress for this role as the partner in the relationship and thus must protect the leading actress status in the play as our relationship to ensure that no other actor will take over my part within the play. (lol I really have a laugh here)