Day 113 - "Winning and Losing"

This blog is part of a series:

Day 108 - The Leading Role 
Day 109 - The Leading Role part Two 
Day 110 - Being the One and Only 
Day 111 - The cast 

Day 112  - Memories Scripts the Cast 

I continue walking through the jealousy character and its cast/ sub-characters. 

I had great trouble to forgive all and everything in the play of being cheated on/cheating so here looking at the point wherein I am in the position of being cheated on and of course "that other woman" it's quite easy to hold on to a grudge towards "that other woman" or male doesn't really matter and I haven't yet specified or addressed this point I wasn't really grasping its content and I actually not wanted to let it go out of self interest, well can't do must walk and realign there is no other way. 

Self Forgiveness: 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a grudge towards "that other woman," which enables me to hold on to the "Jealousy" character and its cast of sub-characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to anger because it will enable me to remain in character and play one of the sub- characters of jealousy the "Being betrayed" character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the emotional experience of being hurt which enables to play the character of being hurt and the character of being betrayed when my partner is cheating on me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being able to bare the fact that my partner chooses someone above me within the moment of cheating and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bare to NOT be number one but, to be second best, to be the second choice because this implies that I am a loser which doesn't fit into the static picture I have about myself of being/wanting/desiring to be always number One the Winner, the first wife, the first choice, the one that's the winner of the game. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to look within self to investigate 'who I am' within not being able to bare the fact to be number two because that would have revealed that I always want to be number One and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always protect my number one position, the leading role, to prevent becoming number two,  to remain in a winning position in the relationship towards my partner. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about  being number one in the relationship to remain in the role/character of the "One and Only" and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotional experience within and as myself and start playing the Jealousy character to hide behind  to handle, act myself out of the play whenever I perceive to be second best in the relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must always win and thus must remain in the role of the One and Only in the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined being the winner, the one and only the leading actress, the number one and measure my partner's behaviour towards me whether the winner status is confirmed and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my partners behaviour determine my self- experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about unconditional love in a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to investigate how I ended up in this idea of unconditional love within relationships because that would have exposed that my way of unconditional love did only serve my self-interest and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about fulfilling my desire of being the only one instead of investigating whether this idea is actually what's best for the ones in the relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about being number one in the relationship, being the winner, being the number one and only and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see and realise that I want to hold on to this point because if I would give it up I would have to give up the idea I have about being the winner, rewarded with the seat "being the one and only" in the relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being number two because that would mean within my perception that I am a loser and I don't want to be and fear to be a loser. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being number two within being a loser, thus not being number one. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being number two with being a loser meaning not being number one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate being number two with being a loser, which means not being number one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be number one because I always experienced myself as 'being a number two" when growing up perceiving myself to be number two and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised myself to be seated as the number one position one day as well and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I have been chasing an illusion and abused self and others as self within this quest of "being the one and only" chasing being number one, being the winner in all of my relationships. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the emotional experience of being a number two, being the loser and externalised it as in avoiding 'losers' through judgement and ridicule because I didn't yet allow myself to look at "being number two" within and as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't want to be associated with "number two's/losers" in any way because that would remind me of not wanting to be a loser myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people and divide them into losers and winners and I want to be part of the winners not yet realising that the very construct of being a winner in this world always goes on the expanse of others wherein the winner takes it all and the loser is the child that starves to death, "but hey why should I care? I am a winner yeah" and in this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see how money, the monetary system is the make up of me which creates without and that there is no escape and no hiding ground in the bare facts that, which resides within creates without.