Day 119 - " Expression"

Here I look at a play out of how I communicate when being quite anxious within an argument and how things start to escalate into anger outburst, specifically looking at how my expression as anger within an argument came about when becoming emotional. Wherein the emotions starts dominating the entire way of how I am expressing myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad and disappointed when being  a child when a person cancelled our plans at a late notice, wherein my disappointment about it was spoken about as being oversensitive  wherein I became angered and furious because I perceived that no one was listening to me and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel at that moment utterly frustrated and powerless that seemingly the only way to remain in power was starting screaming my way into 'being seen and being heard' and to this day I exist within exactly the same expression connected to this very memory, feeling powerless when not being heard/not being seen, not being taken into consideration as the stored memory of the past. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eventually express myself in/as extreme anger when I feel that I am not heard, not seen, not taking into consideration when being in state of absolute anxiety about the words spoken. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet know how to express myself without inner haywire as emotions when being in a heated argument because I haven't learned how to deal with the inner emotional turmoil as the emotions inside and through this, I forgive myself to be part of a world wherein we leave our children going all haywire within/as inner turmoil as emotions without explaining and educating them how to deal with the inner world as experience.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have actually diminished myself to such an extent that I don't even allow myself to utilise words in a way that serves me as all and in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only know how to express myself through and as anger when feeling frustrated and angered of not being heard not being seen because of the self diminishing  I allowed within myself wherein I didn't allow to speak up and express myself  because I deliberately taught myself to in every moment at all cost FIRST check/filter the environment before speaking which accumulate frustration and anger about the constant self inflicted strain of being on guard how to express and what to express as self as words in order to be OK with oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect expressing myself with being oversensitive, over reactive and in this created an accumulation of anger and frustration within that wants to express itself eventually in anger because I rather diminish myself to not speak, express myself at all and through this, I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to express self as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to express myself without inner haywire as emotions because I haven't learned, taught myself yet how to deal with the inner emotional turmoil as the emotions inside and through this, I forgive myself to be part of a world wherein we leave our children going all haywire within/as inner turmoil as emotions without explaining and educating them how to deal with the inner world as experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect expressing myself with being ridiculed when being a child and through this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of being ridiculed with sharing my inner world through expressing myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the anger inside when being ridiculed when expressing myself and thus accumulate through it much tension and anxiety within that eventually wants to express itself when being confronted with a person/situation that triggers and I thus activate the whole play out of expressing myself in and as anger without because I haven't yet understood, seen and realised how I as it came about and in this, I commit myself to get to know myself as this specific point and its play out.