Monday, 1 October 2012

Day 130 - Childhood Thoughts: "One Day But Not Today I'll Be Free"

Today while being in my house with people all chitchatting and  talking I observed a pattern within me. It was like being with my parents again, living with them to be more accurate the following thoughts came up within and as me "One day I will be out of here and have my own home and will do it my way and I will be rid of this and set myself free"  and the 'strangest' thing is that this moment of being free actually never came. 

I never have been able to establish this moment(s) because I find myself years after my childhood years within exactly the same thoughts and repetition of "One day I will  have my own home" lol while I already have it so there must be something else at stake here and this my 'own' home is quite interesting because this single word makes up and reveals the entire construct of not experiencing being part of the family and connecting that one day I will have my own family and do it my way and will be free as the emotional projection attached to it as if (my) life would then finally begin. It's quite the opposite, it only repeats itself again, it takes a certain period of years to create the layout of that what's about to come or more accurately the cycle that will actually repeat the same stuff again, bouncing back to the initial blueprint of the formative years.  

The thought "One day I will be free" also holds a projection outside the current situation/moment/placement of self. I always experienced myself not being part of the family structure I found myself within. Not feeling being part of my family in any way is the layout of my childhood, the blueprint. I always had this sense of not belonging I wasn't able to ground myself within the family or feeling part of it. (Or in anything else for that matter but that in itself is a total different post in itself.)

I see that this pattern/construct is still within and as me and thus I will live it into being project it onto my reality and 'bring' it with me as me, being part of the sins of the fathers and I will pass it on when it's not understood, realigned and eradicated that's common sense you only have to look around for proof

More to come, stay tuned...

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